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Humor in en om de trein

Moppen (Engels)

Dit is een overzicht van moppen die direct met het openbaar vervoer te maken hebben. Hoewel het eigenlijk niet echt bij de rest van de pagina's past (de overige uitspraken en verhalen zijn waar gebeurd), heb ik ze er bij laten staan omdat er toch belangstelling voor was.

Ik heb de bijdragen in het Engels onvertaald gelaten. Zodra ik tijd heb zal ik ze vertalen. Maar hulp is welkom: stuur de vertaling op, dan verander ik het meteen.

Als je nieuwe moppen (liefst in de praktijk gehoord of uitgeprobeerd) weet, kan je die in een formulier intypen, of per e-mail aan mij opsturen.

Inhoud

De moppen zijn uitgesplitst in de volgende onderwerpen:

  1. In de praktijk
  2. Moppen (Nederlands)
  3. Moppen (Engels)
  4. Schuine moppen

Als laatste een kort dankwoord.

Daarnaast zijn er nog Uitspraken, Anekdotes en Verhalen te lezen.

Moppen

(Engels)

Man meets train (from http://iws.simplenet.com/humor):
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over- tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea-kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea-kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea-kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

From rec.humor nieuwsgroep:
Three Apple Engineers and three Microsoft Employees are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft Employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple Engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft Employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple Engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft Employees take their respective seats but all three Apple Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door an says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft Employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft Employees decide to copy the Apple Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Microsoft Employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Apple Engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft Employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple Engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft Employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

"Hello Grand Central? Do you have a sleeping car? You do? Well you better wake it up!"

Does this train stop at Grand Central?
"Well, if it doesn't, there will be a heck of a crash."

"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers"

How can you tell when a train is gone?
It leaves its tracks behind..

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

In the old days when train travel was the chief method of getting around, some of them were pretty slow. One of these slow trains came to a dead halt. A passenger who was annoyed at the rate of progress said to the conductor, "Do you mind telling me why we have stopped?" The conductor said, "There's a cow on the tracks." The cow was finally got rid of and the train resumed its slow, slow progress over the countryside. Fifteen minutes later it came to a halt again. "Good grief," said the passenger to the conductor, "don't tell me we caught up with that cow again."

On another such slow train a young woman passenger said to the conductor, "See here, conductor, aren't we ever going to reach Chicago? You can see I'm far gone in pregnancy. Well, if we don't get to Chicago soon, you'll have to help deliver the baby."
The conductor stared at her in horror. "But madam, you shouldn't have got on the train in this condition."
And the woman replied, "I didn't."

Dankwoord

Zie voor het dankwoord de lijst met namen op de indexpagina.

Van de meeste moppen is het zeer lastig te achterhalen wie ze bedacht hebben. Zo heb ik al een stuk of tien e-mailtjes over wie het eerst de grap met "De trein stop niet te Best" bedacht heeft. De meeste mensen kennen het uit een conference van Fons Jansen, maar waarschijnlijk is de eerste keer dat deze 'grap' in de praktijk naar voren gekomen is, is in de jaren vijftig, toen een dergelijk bordje aan de richtingaanwijzer op het perron van station Eindhoven hing, bij die treinen richting Den Bosch die inderdaad niet in Best zouden stoppen. Volgens onbevestigde bronnen is de tekst ook nog voorgekomen in een stripalbum van Suske en Wiske.
Herken je een bijdrage en weet je wie hem geschreven heeft? Laat het me weten!


Zie ook de andere pagina's voor meer uitspraken, verhalen en moppen.

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Nieuwe uitspraken zijn welkom | door Freek Dijkstra.